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20 Sep 2011

5 Rules for Being Attracted to Other People


By Jenny Block
Most people find themselves attracted to more than one person, even when they’re in a committed relationship. It’s a perfectly natural happening. We couldn’t stop the attractions if we tried.But those attractions don’t have to hurt our relationships, because we don’t have to actually indulge those feelings by acting on them. But we don’t have to completely ignore them either. Instead, we can use them to improve the very relationships that we’re already in.
The reason we’re attracted to other people is because we’re human. It’s as plain and simple as that. It’s not because we’re bad people or because there’s anything wrong with our partner or our relationships for that matter. The problem is not with the attraction. The problem is with not honoring the commitments we’ve made to our partners, whatever those might be.
The trick is to use the energy and the inclination to better our current relationship rather than destroy it. So, here are five ways to do just that.

1. Reflect back your partner’s strengths
We fall for the people who reflect back the version of ourselves that we want to be. That’s what makes the handsome stranger such a turn on. They think we’re hot so we feel hot and we like that feeling. We need to be that for our partner. And we need our partner to be that for us. We need to reflect the sexy back to them that will inspire them to feel the sexy that they are and be the sexy they can be.
2. Tell the truth
Tell your partner when you’re attracted to someone and tell them why. Understanding and demystifying it will make it less interesting to pursue for you and less threatening to your partner. The truth often seems like a dangerous proposition. But we should never be afraid to tell the person that we love the most how we really feel. We also have to be kind and understanding when our partners are honest with us. If we react badly, our partner may not be inspired to share in the future.

3. Bring the fire home
If you meet someone who turns you on, bring that sexual energy home. Whether it’s just someone you see on the street or someone who you actually meet and click with, you can redirect that energy to your partner. There’s something exciting about being with someone new. But even that new person won’t be new for long. So the feeling is an illusion. Instead of wasting the spark on someone else, bring it home. When your partner sees you lit up, he or she will likely become lit up too.

4. Indulge in safe flirting
There’s nothing wrong with being friendly with people you find attractive. The rule of thumb is this: Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your partner to see you doing. That rule can be very different for different people. So the key is to make sure you and your partner are on the same page. The fun thing about flirting is that it can enhance number three above! Just be smart about it and don’t take things to far. Flirting is about the tease.

5. Keep it in your head
Relationships are hard. And, after we’ve been with someone for a while we tend to define ourselves by how that person sees us. But that’s a dangerous game. What if your partner has a bad day and lashes out by being unkind to you about how you look or things you do or don’t do? You might internalize those unkind words and start feeling badly about yourself. Well don’t. Remember you are who you are. Not who you partner sees you as. And you can use the outside world as a reminder of that. Remember that other people think you’re funny and smart and attractive. You don’t need your partner to always do the reminding.
Being involved with another person exclusively can be tough. It puts a lot of pressure on both partners to “complete” the other. It also puts a lot of demands on one’s unwavering focus. And that, quite simply, is unrealistic. There’s nothing wrong with finding other people attractive or knowing that others find your partner attractive. What’s important is not letting that attraction lead you to make a mistake that cannot be undone.
Enjoy the attention but don’t seal the deal. Use the admiration as a sign that you’ve still got it. (And, face it, everyone needs those signs once in a while.) But, most importantly, bottle up that heat and save it for when you get home. There’s nothing wrong with getting a little outside inspiration for some down home loving.

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